The Choice to Forgive. My First Time.

Back to my first time. The first time I made a conscious choice to forgive someone from my past. And did.

After that relationship had ended I was in a lot of pain for quite a long time. But I had to go on. I had to go on living and so I did. The pain lived as well; it just went inside somewhere deep, where we always tuck away unfinished things. And there it remained, as if forgotten. Many years had passed. It was now 1986, I think.

A flier arrived one day in my mail box. It was from an actress, Shirley MacLaine. She was going to teach a workshop in Seattle and it had something to do with your Higher Self. I knew nothing about Higher Self at the time, but I had read Shirley MacLaine’s book “Out on a Limb”. In fact – it was my introduction to spirituality. Buying her book was an unusual thing for me to do. Yet, I picked it up from the shelf and bought it in an instant. I had no idea what I was going to read. I did not put it down till I was finished. Several years later, when I got the flier announcing her workshop, I signed up and flew to Seattle.

All I remember of that workshop is one thing: we are sitting in the dark room with our eyes closed as Shirley MacLaine is taking us on a guided visualization. “Bring the person that has hurt you most” she is saying. Who shall I bring? Suddenly the man I used to love is in front of me, in my mind’s eye, clear as a day. “Tell him about your feelings,” she says. “Tell him how angry you are, how hurt, tell it all.” It is as if all this time hasn’t passed. As if it all happened yesterday. I am crying now, but I stay with it. I tell him all that comes to me. I do not hold back. He listens without a word. He doesn’t argue, he does not respond. Only his eyes fill with understanding, with compassion and light. I feel his remorse. I also see my own role in the break up, something I never let myself see before. I am overwhelmed. I am no longer angry. I want to hug him, hold him in my arms, tell him it is OK. I understand as well. But instead – it is now his turn to talk. And just as if he was right there in front of me in real life I begin to hear his voice in my head. His part of the story. I never saw things this way before. It turns out – I wasn’t as innocent as I remembered myself to be. He too carries his share of hurt and pain. He is also angry, and – he has the reasons to be so. I listen. By the time he is done – all I can feel is how sorry I am. How much I want his forgiveness. “I am sorry,” I whisper. “Please, forgive me. I didn’t understand.” He smiles. It is suddenly OK. All of it – OK. It doesn’t matter anymore. All is forgiven. The only thing that remains – is love. The love we once felt, the love we feel again. We do not want to be together. Our time is past. But we are free to go our separate ways. “Good bye,” we whisper, as he fades into the night. “Good bye. And thank you.”

Many years have passed since my “first time.” I have had countless experiences of forgiveness. Slowly, step by step, I was setting myself free from my past. Always, forgiving myself first had been essential, often more important than forgiving others. Perhaps my next book indeed will be the book of forgiveness (like I had planned) with many stories to tell? Quite possible.

And what about you? Is there an experience of forgiveness you’d like to share?

Oh, and by the way, my headaches are long gone, and the ulcer is just a distant memory. I have been in glorious health for a long time. But more about it some other time.