"Love Means Never Having to Say You are Sorry?????"

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"- We are not here to save anyone. We are here to love. To heal ourselves and to hold the light for others. And then the light will point the way."
- Auriela McCarthy

"Love means never having to say you are sorry?????"

Hello, dear friends,

A few announcements first.

For those of you living in New York City or close by.

Please, join me on Sunday, December 6, 2009 at 10:00am at The Reform Temple of Forest Hills, New York. I will be speaking at their Life-Long Learning Annual Brunch. The topic I chose will not surprise you:

Time Doesn't Heal All Wounds, Forgiveness Will.
The Controversy and Mystery of Forgiveness.
Here are the details:

The Reform Temple of Forest Hills
71-11 112th St Forest Hills, NY 11375
(718) 261--2900; www.rtfh.org
Sunday, December 6, 2009 at 10:00AM

It would be great if you could make it!
If so, call them for reservations. The event is free, donations are appreciated, and everyone is welcome. If you do come, make sure you come over and say hello.

For those living in Sonoma County, (North of the Bay Area) mark your calendars for December 17th, 2009 at 7:30 pm.

I will be speaking at Many Rivers Books and Tea in Sebastopol. The topic? ....Forgiveness.
Yes - again.
I don't think we can ever speak enough about it. More - in The Food for Thought below.

Many Rivers Books & Tea
130 S. Main Street, Suite 101
Sebastopol, CA 95472
(707) 829-8871
www.manyriversbooks.com
December 17th, 2009 at 7:30 pm.

Today's Food for Thought.

Both in my life and in my work, I come across so many misconceptions around forgiveness.

Think about the famous line from the book and the movie
"Love Story." "Love means never having to say you are sorry."

I can't even begin to imagine what it means.... How many times have I heard it quoted?!

Why? Because is sounds romantic? Does it?

First of all - it is simply not true.
Loving means (among other things) being responsible to the person you love, and so - if indeed you did something you regret, something hurtful and wrong, you need to feel it and then - to say you are sorry - genuinely. It is the least you can do.

Saying you are sorry and - being forgiven, however, are two very different things.

As is - saying you are sorry and - forgiving yourself for what you did.

To forgive yourself - you have to know what you are forgiving. In other words, feel remorse for your actions. Otherwise, what is there to forgive if you don't really regret it?

If all you are doing is - saying the words, you will never feel forgiven. Even if the other person forgives you.

And yet - feeling remorse remains one of the hardest things to feel.

Self-hate is easy. Self- recrimination? No problem. Self-judgment - easy again. You've done it all your life.

But remorse?

To let yourself really feel the sadness of having done something you cannot undo? Quite another story, isn't it? And there is no circumventing it. No short-cuts way to get to the other side.

"But, Auriela, why should I even bother, if it is so hard?"

Where to begin to answer that?

Let's look at another line that is thrown about so much these days: "Just love yourself." Or: "I am just going to love myself."
Meaning - if you want to have love work in your life, you must learn to love yourself.

Which is correct. This IS the truth. Except, as many have discovered, it's easier said than done.

Because unless you are able to forgive yourself for the things you've pushed under the rug and pretended to have forgotten - loving yourself simply won't happen.

Life is about growth, whether we like it or not. That's why we have no short-cuts to avoid feeling remorse.

Just the other day a friend shared with me something that may or may not surprise you. A couple of months ago she ended a relationship with a man after she had discovered a rather ugly betrayal. (An oxymoron, I know.)

She has been working with healing the pain and regaining herself and she is making beautiful progress. She is ready to look at forgiving herself and forgiving him for what had happened between them, so she can begin to let go and to allow deeper healing.

But her friends are up in arms. "Forgive him???!!! Are you crazy? You should never ever forgive that bastard!..."

We spent a good hour or more on the phone today just talking about it.

The "Crabs in the box" phenomenon, yet again. Remember that one?

I wrote about it here not that long ago. If you haven't read it, you can find it in my blog, just go back to earlier posts. It's worth it.

Her friends' reaction is a good illustration of the lack of understanding around forgiveness. That's why I am calling my talk : The controversy of forgiveness.

Here is something I want you to think about - to ask yourself and to answer.

Take the time, please. Don't rush even if the answers appear obvious, and especially if they are not. The better and deeper you can explain your answers to yourself the clearer you are going to be.

-Why forgive?
-Who deserves forgiveness, and when do they deserve it?
-Which (if any) conditions must be met before we can forgive?
-Do only people who have met the conditions deserve forgiveness?
-Is forgiveness for the victim or for the perpetrator?
-Is there a crime that is "unforgivable"?
-How do you forgive yourself when you don't believe you deserve forgiveness?
-Why is remorse often the hardest thing to feel?
-Is forgiveness an act of will? A choice? Or is it Divine Grace?

And finally: Why no change is possible without forgiveness happening first?

The last question is my invitation to think and to imagine:
What life would you be living if your past didn't hold you back?

Not sure abut the answers?

I have written about this so much in The Power of the Possible. It is on pp. 96-98, 98-101, it is in the chapter
To Stay or To Leave, Forgiving the Unforgivable - pretty much through the entire chapter, especially from pp.115 -126, and you haven't read this chapter before, read the whole thing, you will do yourself a disservice by reading just these pages.
Also on p. 231 and on, in the chapter When Love Is Not Enough, where I explain remorse and why it is one of the hardest things to feel.

Read these passages, even if you have read them already. Your will read them with different eyes this time because you have grown and you have changed and your ability to understand has deepened.

It is always like that, with any book. That's why we experience them differently at different times. It is not the book that changes with time, but you.

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On another subject: So many of you responded to my request in the last letter and sent me your lists of qualities you are grateful for in yourselves! THANK YOU! You have inspired me so much! An I know - you have inspired yourselves!!!

If space permits, I will share some of your responses in the next letter.

All for now.

Hope to see some of you on Sunday in New York!
And of course, - here in Marin, tomorrow night.


Much love to you, always.

Remember: never ever give up hope!
Auriela.
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Don't You Just Love this Wonderful American Holiday?!

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Hello, dear friends,

Thanksgiving!

Don't you just love this wonderful American holiday?!

A holiday dedicated to giving thanks, feeling grateful!

Not every country has this tradition.
But we do.

It is so easy to take it for granted. Let's not do that.

Let's talk about it instead. I have a story to share with you.

It is this week's Food for Thought.

A School of Hope and Inspiration

This Tuesday November 24, 2009
Gathering: 6:30PM -7PM - Class: 7PM - 9:30PM

email an RSVP for address and directions.
Classes are held in Southern Marin

Here is this week's Food for Thought.

A story from my own life.

A few years ago I felt like throwing an elegant party my birthday.

I decided to do it at a wonderful local restaurant, in a cozy and comfortable banquet room that felt just right.
I believe we had about 25 people at the party, seated at four tables, 6 people per table or so. It was an intimate gathering of friends, where most people knew each other very well.

Dinner was served, then desert. "Happy Birthday" was sung and I blew out my candles. The toasts were about to start, when I got up and said something unexpected.

"Let's do something different tonight," I said.
"I want to dedicate this evening to gratitude. I want everyone to take turns and to speak about what you are grateful for in yourself."

Their eyebrows raised, my friends were shifting in their seats. What????

I continued.

"No, not the things you have achieved, like a great family, friends, success at work, a wonderful house you bought or built because of your accomplishments, not the car you love, not your good health ...
These all wonderful, and clearly something you are grateful for.

"But instead of talking about them, tell us about the qualities in you that are grateful for. What you like about yourself as a human being. Like kindness, thoughtfulness, caring, ability to forgive, hunger for spirituality, pursuit of personal growth..."

The longer I spoke, the more inspired I felt. I was getting so excited it was contagious, I could see my friends getting
excited as well. The temperature in the room was rising high.

"But Auriela, how could you? Don't you know how immodest it is to brag about yourself? Wouldn't they then be in their ego? How can you just ask people to praise themselves? Someone else has to do it..."

I beg to differ.

You are only in your ego if you speak from your ego.
Only if by acknowledging the beautiful things in you, you mean that you are somehow superior. Better than others.

Owning your light is not bragging.
It is simply standing in your power and refusing not to be who you are.
It is admitting the truth to yourself: Yes, I am that powerful, that loving and that kind. Or - I am that forgiving and accepting of others and I am also a helpful friend. (If these are your qualities.) And if they are not - admitting the ones that are.

If you won't own them in yourself, how can you expect others to do it?
Acknowledge them, feel grateful for having them. Some of them you are born with, others you have developed.

There is tremendous power in owning your light. And this power scares you.
What will be asked of me? Worse, what would be expected or demanded of me?
And what if I fail? What if I can't deliver? ...

Scary? Yes. Powerful and exhilarating? You bet!

You see the beauty in other people. You often tell them about it. What about your own beauty?

This is what I wanted to do at my birthday party. To have my friends look at themselves with gratitude and then - to speak out loud about what they saw.

Speak it and be heard and witnessed, thus - grounding it, making it real.

The room was suddenly quiet. I was so excited I could barely contain myself.
Once again I repeated my request. Once again I clarified it.

"Who wants to be first?" I asked.

There was a pause...And then - it began.
One by one and without particular order my friends rose to the occasion and met themselves!

A single mother spoke about how grateful she was for her courage, and for her incredible perseverance...
A man in his 40ies spoke about how loving he was and how natural it was for him to just let go and to not hold a grudge...
Another man shared how happy it made him to know that he was always there for his family and that they could always count on him...
A young woman spoke about being a loyal friend.
Another spoke about her passion for living, and how grateful she was that she never lost it, no matter how hard life used to be.

What can I say?

It was unbelievable. Each person held a mirror for another.
We forgot about the cake, we forgot about time. The waiters, sensing something sacred was going on, stood motionless, as if in reverie. The magic in the room was palpable, everyone's face was lit, more beautiful than I've ever seen.
It was electric, the energy rising with each sharing.

I was the last one to go.

"I am grateful for being me," I began.

I said a lot of things that were true for me then, and just like with everyone else that evening, acknowledging them out loud made me feel as if I suddenly had eagle wings.
Some of the things I said I remember, some I don't.

I will tell you what I am grateful for in myself today.
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And in return, would you do the same thing?
Write your own list. Thanksgiving is in 3 days. What better time than now?
Do it for you. Give yourself this gift. It will change your life in ways you can't even imagine right now.

I will be honored if you share it with me and I will keep it like a very precious gift.
I will be happy to print it here in the next letter if you give me permission, (with your name or without, whatever you say.)

Or share it with someone who is trustworthy and will support you. And if you don't have such a person - don't share it until you do.

Here is my partial list, the real one is too long:

-I am grateful for the gift of being able to love so deeply.

-For my incredible imagination.

-For my ability to think well, and to feel with the richness and depth,
and to have perspective, to no longer be run by my feelings.

-I am grateful for my trust that is unshakable, for my knowing that the good will always prevail, that there is higher order and a bigger picture and that I am never alone...

-I am grateful for my gift to inspire, especially - to inspire myself, for without it I cannot live.

-For my always reaching for freedom, regardless of the circumstances.

-For never giving up, for my ever present hope that is part of who I am.

-For knowing what matters and what doesn't
-For being clear on my most important priorities
-For being born with a happy disposition, for my innate optimism.

-For the courage, that is so much a part of me,

-For my spirituality, so rich is so real, and so all - encompassing.

A partial list, like I said. Why then am I so moved?
Write your own, and you will experience it too.

It was an amazing party that I will never forget. We didn't want it to end and we took its magic home with us.

Perhaps you will be inspired to try it this Thanksgiving, or at another time that feels right.

All for now.

See some of you this Tuesday.

Thank all of you for reading my long letters, and for your wonderful and loving support.
I treasure it and never take it for granted.

Much love to you, always.

Remember: never ever give up hope!

Auriela.

P.S. If it feels right, forward this blog to your friends and family.
Don't do it to change them, just to share.