Even If You Are Right, So What?

I belong to the Left Coast Writers Salon that meets once a month.
At the last meeting a woman came over to me and said that she remembered my talk at the Book Passage store in spring. It was 7 months ago, soon after The Power of the Possible had been released.
“One thing especially stood out for me,” she said. “I have been thinking about it ever since.”

“What did I say?” I asked. And she quoted me: “Even if you are right, so what?”


This simple question never fails to provoke a reaction. But sooner or later - an AHA moment comes and this truth becomes obvious.

Even if I am right, so what?



If you are reading this and finding the hair at the back of your neck standing – don’t be alarmed. This kind of thinking throws the ego off completely.
What do you mean “so what ???!!!” But…but… but…But doesn’t it MATTER? Isn’t it obvious how critically important it is that they “get” what I am saying???

Not really.

Think about it.

Why should they get it? So that one more time you’ve gotten the upper hand? So that one more time you have been able to show them….?

Show them what?

That you know better? That you ARE better? That if they’d only listen to you all their problem would go away…?

A rather arrogant position, don’t you think? Say you succeed. Your “opponent” is capitulating and either licking his or her wounds and apologizing or silently retreating, sulking in defeat.

Where does this leave you? Are the two of you closer now? Is there more trust? More safety to share each other’s feelings? More desire to share your vulnerabilities without fear of hearing “I told you so”?

Or is there something else instead?

Not only have walls between the two of you grown taller, but there is now a fence surrounding your friend, protecting him or her from you completely. And it feels impenetrable.

Continue in this fashion and you stand the risk of losing what might have taken you years to create, waking up one day in a big empty bed and wondering what happened.
“But I was right,” mumbles the ego…”I know I was.”

Even if you were…So what?

Here is what I have learned having stumbled against that very hurdle only too many times myself:

The real priority is not about winning the argument and not about proving my point. The real priority is never about being right one more time.

The real priority is about getting closer, about becoming more caring and more understanding.

The real priority is always about the love.


Please share this blog with your family and friends. I will appreciate it. And send me your thoughts about it. I’d love to hear form you.

Going Out On A Date Shouldn't Be So Much Work

Ever since I have given out some of the advanced reader’s copies of my book The Power of the Possible, more and more people are sharing their stories and their relationships “problems” with me. Not surprisingly, there is a common theme to most of them. Oh, yes, it’s the good old control every time! Whose way is it going to be? Who will be in charge? Who will have the last word? In most cases people are so sure that they were right, they simply won’t hear another opinion. The only thing that matters to them is that they remain right!

And so I listen. It is a free country. You can wake up in the morning alone and right, or with your loved one and happy. Who am I to tell you what you should choose?

Here is the latest story. A woman I know, let’s call her Irene, is very interested in her next door neighbor. She suspects that the interests is mutual, but the man has never asked her out yet. “He is just shy,” she thinks, “I will call him myself.”

Nothing wrong with that.

And so she calls him on Saturday afternoon and invites him for a walk. “I can’t go out today,” he says, pleasantly surprised to hear from her. “I am doing laundry on Saturdays. Can we go out on Sunday?” “No,” she says. "Sundays are my time to be alone. Why can’t you do your laundry tomorrow, on Sunday, and go out with me today?” “Because that’s what I had already planned for today,” he says. “And I have already started.” Some other time then… They hang up. But by 8pm Irene’s telephone rings, and it’s her neighbor. He’s done the laundry and is ready to go out! “Let’s do it,” he says, full of enthusiasm. After all he’s done what he had planned, mission accomplished, and he is now excited to see Irene.

But Irene is in her pajamas. She has already eaten at home and is no longer in the mood. “No,” she says. “It is too late for me now.” (Never mind it’s a Saturday night and a glorious evening.) “Well, what about tomorrow?” he asks. Nice try. “But I already told you, tomorrow is Sunday and I like to do nothing on Sunday.” And that was it. They spend the weekend separately. And no one has called the other one since.

“So that worked well, didn’t it?” I ask, as she finishes her story. I am trying not to laugh. “What’s funny?” Irene doesn’t understand. “Was I supposed to just drop my life and adjust it to his?”

What do I tell her? Sometimes our glass is so full there is no room for even one more drop. And that’s the case with Irene. There is nothing I can tell her that she would hear. She is always right.

So here is my question to you: do you see how she has done everything to ensure that she doesn’t get the very thing she claims she wants: a chance to have a relationship with her neighbor? And what would you have done in her place? And please, don’t write to me what he should have done. This is not about him. If he were telling me his story, complaining how Irene was hard to get, then we would look at his behavior. But right now – let’s talk about Irene. It is a very simple example, a little scene with no big dramas or shakes, no one was too terribly hurt, no huge expectations dashed, just a potential that did not happed. One of endless potentials that Irene has managed to successfully kill over the years. A short interaction that could have gone somewhere and instead went nowhere. An every day occurrence.

Please, write to me your comments. Let’s talk. Let’s de-mystify this conundrum called relationships. Perhaps you want to share your story? If it is too long, go to my website AurielaMcCarthy.com and send me an email. If you want me to answer it in private, I will.