"Don't be a realist. Our world needs dreamers. Be an incurable optimist. And see your reality change. See it change beyond what you can imagine."
- Auriela McCarthy

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Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Why Do We Resist Being Happy?

“What can we do to get happy right now?” I am often asked.

I answer the question by turning it around.
The real question we should be asking is “Why is it that we are not happy?” (if we are not.)
Because if we can answer that, then being happier becomes a real possibility.

So let’s look at it together.

Does everyone want to be happy?

A simple and obvious answer would be “Yes. Of course.”
Beware of simple answers. Beware of things that appear obvious.

Why?

Because things are seldom simple and almost always complex and what appears obvious usually is not.


There are cultures where being happy is not a desirable thing at all.

Often people are raised with the belief that “being happy equals being selfish.” Like in: “How can you be happy when there is so much suffering around?”

Another popular one is: “being happy is suspect.” Something MUST be wrong with you if you are happy, because “no one in his or her right mind is, so – I can’t really trust you…”

Or yet another one: “If you are happy, you must be stupid,” like “only stupid people can be happy. Just look at the state of the world…”

The one I experienced on my own skin while living in The Soviet Union was “If you are happy you are not deep.”
Who wants to be considered “not deep?” (like it superficial, boring, naive.)

And yet - Happiness is the Ultimate Human Desire.
Yes, you read it correctly. This is not an overstatement. It is the truth. Our Ultimate Desire is to be happy and to know joy.

Now imagine the internal turmoil of living with the subconscious programs that are in conflict with our ultimate desire?
Like the above mentioned guilt producing ones of “Being happy is selfish” or another equally damaging one: “being happy is stupid, superficial and untrustworthy” because: HOW CAN YOU BE HAPPY WHEN THERE IS SO MUCH PAIN IN THE WORLD AROUND YOU??!!!”

Even in America where we are supposed to want to be happy, we are often no less conflicted. The culture tells us to want it, the Declaration of Independence tells us to go for it – an yet we are still affected by the same constricting influences:
We can’t escape the guilt, the fear of being judged, the fear of not fitting in and of loosing friends, AND - the greatest fear of all - The fear of “the other shoe falling.” Meaning: as soon as everything FINALLY works well....watch out! Something horrible is bound to happen..

I am talking about the proverbial “Just when she finally had it all…”( fill in the blanks): she got cancer, or her husband got hit by a car, or the fire destroyed their home…” or any one of the unlimited negative scenarios that are just waiting around the corner ready to strike us as soon as we let our guard down and finally allow ourselves to be happy. Isn’t that what so many of the movies and books tell us?

Think about it.

You are in the movie theater watching a happy domestic scene. Things are going famously, everything is wonderful in the lives of the heroes….and you cringe. You just know – any minute now, any minute…something bad is about to happen…And guess what? Inevitably – it does! Disaster strikes.
What kind of effect this programming has on us and on our ability to trust happiness???
No wonder so many people would rather dream of being happy than actually live it.

I will leave you with this food for thought, and if you are curious, watch your thinking about happiness, analyze it, perhaps find the origin of what stops you. Question it. In most cases it will be the old conditioning. The unexamined past conditioning supported by consistent, recurring messages from everywhere – the media, people in the street, friends...

Then - begin to dismantle and discard the erroneous programs and beliefs that are still governing your life. Do it one by one. Replace them with the new ones, with the ones that work.

Being happy is the least selfish and the most loving thing you can do for yourself AND for others.

Why?

Just think about it for now. And if the answer is not obvious:), wait till the next blog.
We will look at it together.

My dear readers, please, send me your comments, let’s have a discussion here. What a fascinating subject to sink our teeth in. And if it moves you to do so, please, share this blog with your friends as well. I will appreciate it.

1 comment:

Sharvee Chaturvedi said...

my question is why does our happiness actually depends on how other person or partner treats us or does something for us? we wait for someone to make us happy !

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