Isn't It Important To 'Communicate' My Feelings ???

A School of Hope and Inspiration

Today, Tuesday March 30, 2010
Gathering: 6:30PM -7PM
Class: 7PM - 9:30PM

RSVP for address and directions
Classes are held in Southern Marin
Auriela@AurielaMcCarthy.com

I appreciate if everyone RSVPs,
so I know how many seats we need.
Please, be on time, we will start
promptly at 7pm

FOOD FOR THOUGHT

It looks like you are getting sick and tired of people not acting the way you would like them to!
Tired of friends or lovers not hearing what you are saying... Not changing the way you have asked them to change!!..

So many of you are writing to me, at a loss.
What to do? you are asking. How to get them to understand?

I have written the entire book, The Power of The Possible on this very subject, but sometimes it takes hearing the same thing again and again, until it suddenly clicks.

You are exasperated with how they won't listen...while if they only would... if only they'd stop being defensive and really "get" that what you are saying makes perfect sense, everything in your life (and theirs) would finally work...!!!!

Well, I have news for you. (which, if you read The Power of the Possible isn't really news at all.) It will never happen.

They will never, I repeat, NEVER change they way you want them to change as long as you insist that they do.

How does it work?

What is it I am saying exactly? Are you to throw in the towel? To give up on ever having your needs met?

No. That's not what I am saying at all.

What I am saying is that all the problems you are having with other people have to be resolved internally, within you. Then, and only then you can expect to be heard, understood and have your needs met.

Because -#1: YOU will meet your own needs ( no other person can)
and #2: by letting go of pushing the person you expect to change ( however overtly or subtly you go about it) you will have removed their need to resist you, which is usually (an unfortunately) a knee-jerk human reaction to being pushed - however subtly or overtly, even if you don't say a word and all you are doing is thinking it.
Oh, yes. Haven't you heard of "silence that screams?"

I will give you one example of it, not to make this letter too long. And you can read more in The Power of the Possible, especially in the first five chapters, starting with Chapter One: What Can I Do to Get Him To Change?

Here is today's story:

A good friend of mine told me that her boyfriend was suddenly distant and cold with her.

"The more I ask him what's wrong, the more I feel him closing me off," she said.
"I try to be nice, I offer to make him coffee or food, I make sure he knows I am there for him if he needs me...I went to see him at work and he was visibly annoyed...I don't know what I did wrong and he won't tell me and I am going crazy here. I cried all last night and when I called him I couldn't help it and started crying again..."

"Why don't you just let him be," I suggested, "and have a good time on your own?"

Incredulous, she looked at me as if I was saying she must fly to the Moon tomorrow.

"But how??!! How can I have a good time when he is this way with me?"

"There is nothing you can do about it," I said. "But you can do something about how you are. Refocus! Drop this obsession. Go out with friends. Start living. Stop pursuing him. The more you pursue him, the more he wants to withdraw. So, stop it. And get happy again. Happy people are fun to be with. Needy people are not."

"But what if he is in trouble?"

And then I said something revolutionary. ( just kidding.):
"You are NOT his mother. Stop taking care of him."

And she got it! And did just that. (Believe me, it is possible! Entirely and totally possible, as soon as you take a step back, get perspective, clear your head, become present.)

He called her the next day!

"I am so sorry, he said, I was having problems at work and I didn't feel like talking about it. Would you like to go to dinner with me tonight?"

"But Auriela, come on! Surely at dinner she told him how she had felt, "they communicated," he saw that he wasn't treating her well, she admitted that she was pushing too much, they cleared it out..."

No, dear readers, they did not "communicate" in this way.

They just had a wonderful evening, starting fresh as if the last few days didn't happen.

You see, she called me prior to going out to dinner with him, planning to talk and 'communicate,' just like you are suggesting.

"Don't," I said. "Are you still angry?" -
"No."
"Did you learn something out of this about yourself and what works and what doesn't?"
"I learned tons," she said.
"Then drop it. Don't revisit what didn't work. Just do your best to start living what you have learned. He apologized. You accepted. LET IT GO."

I know reading this will ruffle many feathers on many people's backs.
All I ask is that you think about what you just read.

Communication is an art form. And a very complex one. Just because you can talk and have feelings doesn't mean you are able to communicate them without messing things up more.

Remember: "Nothing changes until YOU do." Which means - Everything has to be resolved internally. And once you do, you may discover - there is no need to go back. You are different - and so is your reality, and so are the people in it, including that special one.

Take back your power and give it to yourself!

Decide to be happy, don't wait for others to change so you can have what you want.

It is extremely powerful sometimes to just LET GO.

Letting go is a skill.

How do you do it? I am often asked.

You don't "do" it. It's not something that can be "done."
Start practicing. Find out for yourself. This may be one of the greatest secrets that has been hidden in plain sight all of your life.

Uncover it - and you will never be the same.
Master it, and your life will sparkle!

All for now.

"See" you on the call on April 7th at 5pm PDT (8pm EST) AskAurielaAndBarnet.com

Much love,

Auriela.

P.S.
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