"Love Means Never Having to Say You are Sorry?????"

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"- We are not here to save anyone. We are here to love. To heal ourselves and to hold the light for others. And then the light will point the way."
- Auriela McCarthy

"Love means never having to say you are sorry?????"

Hello, dear friends,

A few announcements first.

For those of you living in New York City or close by.

Please, join me on Sunday, December 6, 2009 at 10:00am at The Reform Temple of Forest Hills, New York. I will be speaking at their Life-Long Learning Annual Brunch. The topic I chose will not surprise you:

Time Doesn't Heal All Wounds, Forgiveness Will.
The Controversy and Mystery of Forgiveness.
Here are the details:

The Reform Temple of Forest Hills
71-11 112th St Forest Hills, NY 11375
(718) 261--2900; www.rtfh.org
Sunday, December 6, 2009 at 10:00AM

It would be great if you could make it!
If so, call them for reservations. The event is free, donations are appreciated, and everyone is welcome. If you do come, make sure you come over and say hello.

For those living in Sonoma County, (North of the Bay Area) mark your calendars for December 17th, 2009 at 7:30 pm.

I will be speaking at Many Rivers Books and Tea in Sebastopol. The topic? ....Forgiveness.
Yes - again.
I don't think we can ever speak enough about it. More - in The Food for Thought below.

Many Rivers Books & Tea
130 S. Main Street, Suite 101
Sebastopol, CA 95472
(707) 829-8871
www.manyriversbooks.com
December 17th, 2009 at 7:30 pm.

Today's Food for Thought.

Both in my life and in my work, I come across so many misconceptions around forgiveness.

Think about the famous line from the book and the movie
"Love Story." "Love means never having to say you are sorry."

I can't even begin to imagine what it means.... How many times have I heard it quoted?!

Why? Because is sounds romantic? Does it?

First of all - it is simply not true.
Loving means (among other things) being responsible to the person you love, and so - if indeed you did something you regret, something hurtful and wrong, you need to feel it and then - to say you are sorry - genuinely. It is the least you can do.

Saying you are sorry and - being forgiven, however, are two very different things.

As is - saying you are sorry and - forgiving yourself for what you did.

To forgive yourself - you have to know what you are forgiving. In other words, feel remorse for your actions. Otherwise, what is there to forgive if you don't really regret it?

If all you are doing is - saying the words, you will never feel forgiven. Even if the other person forgives you.

And yet - feeling remorse remains one of the hardest things to feel.

Self-hate is easy. Self- recrimination? No problem. Self-judgment - easy again. You've done it all your life.

But remorse?

To let yourself really feel the sadness of having done something you cannot undo? Quite another story, isn't it? And there is no circumventing it. No short-cuts way to get to the other side.

"But, Auriela, why should I even bother, if it is so hard?"

Where to begin to answer that?

Let's look at another line that is thrown about so much these days: "Just love yourself." Or: "I am just going to love myself."
Meaning - if you want to have love work in your life, you must learn to love yourself.

Which is correct. This IS the truth. Except, as many have discovered, it's easier said than done.

Because unless you are able to forgive yourself for the things you've pushed under the rug and pretended to have forgotten - loving yourself simply won't happen.

Life is about growth, whether we like it or not. That's why we have no short-cuts to avoid feeling remorse.

Just the other day a friend shared with me something that may or may not surprise you. A couple of months ago she ended a relationship with a man after she had discovered a rather ugly betrayal. (An oxymoron, I know.)

She has been working with healing the pain and regaining herself and she is making beautiful progress. She is ready to look at forgiving herself and forgiving him for what had happened between them, so she can begin to let go and to allow deeper healing.

But her friends are up in arms. "Forgive him???!!! Are you crazy? You should never ever forgive that bastard!..."

We spent a good hour or more on the phone today just talking about it.

The "Crabs in the box" phenomenon, yet again. Remember that one?

I wrote about it here not that long ago. If you haven't read it, you can find it in my blog, just go back to earlier posts. It's worth it.

Her friends' reaction is a good illustration of the lack of understanding around forgiveness. That's why I am calling my talk : The controversy of forgiveness.

Here is something I want you to think about - to ask yourself and to answer.

Take the time, please. Don't rush even if the answers appear obvious, and especially if they are not. The better and deeper you can explain your answers to yourself the clearer you are going to be.

-Why forgive?
-Who deserves forgiveness, and when do they deserve it?
-Which (if any) conditions must be met before we can forgive?
-Do only people who have met the conditions deserve forgiveness?
-Is forgiveness for the victim or for the perpetrator?
-Is there a crime that is "unforgivable"?
-How do you forgive yourself when you don't believe you deserve forgiveness?
-Why is remorse often the hardest thing to feel?
-Is forgiveness an act of will? A choice? Or is it Divine Grace?

And finally: Why no change is possible without forgiveness happening first?

The last question is my invitation to think and to imagine:
What life would you be living if your past didn't hold you back?

Not sure abut the answers?

I have written about this so much in The Power of the Possible. It is on pp. 96-98, 98-101, it is in the chapter
To Stay or To Leave, Forgiving the Unforgivable - pretty much through the entire chapter, especially from pp.115 -126, and you haven't read this chapter before, read the whole thing, you will do yourself a disservice by reading just these pages.
Also on p. 231 and on, in the chapter When Love Is Not Enough, where I explain remorse and why it is one of the hardest things to feel.

Read these passages, even if you have read them already. Your will read them with different eyes this time because you have grown and you have changed and your ability to understand has deepened.

It is always like that, with any book. That's why we experience them differently at different times. It is not the book that changes with time, but you.

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On another subject: So many of you responded to my request in the last letter and sent me your lists of qualities you are grateful for in yourselves! THANK YOU! You have inspired me so much! An I know - you have inspired yourselves!!!

If space permits, I will share some of your responses in the next letter.

All for now.

Hope to see some of you on Sunday in New York!
And of course, - here in Marin, tomorrow night.


Much love to you, always.

Remember: never ever give up hope!
Auriela.
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