"Love Means Never Having to Say You are Sorry?????"

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"- We are not here to save anyone. We are here to love. To heal ourselves and to hold the light for others. And then the light will point the way."
- Auriela McCarthy

"Love means never having to say you are sorry?????"

Hello, dear friends,

A few announcements first.

For those of you living in New York City or close by.

Please, join me on Sunday, December 6, 2009 at 10:00am at The Reform Temple of Forest Hills, New York. I will be speaking at their Life-Long Learning Annual Brunch. The topic I chose will not surprise you:

Time Doesn't Heal All Wounds, Forgiveness Will.
The Controversy and Mystery of Forgiveness.
Here are the details:

The Reform Temple of Forest Hills
71-11 112th St Forest Hills, NY 11375
(718) 261--2900; www.rtfh.org
Sunday, December 6, 2009 at 10:00AM

It would be great if you could make it!
If so, call them for reservations. The event is free, donations are appreciated, and everyone is welcome. If you do come, make sure you come over and say hello.

For those living in Sonoma County, (North of the Bay Area) mark your calendars for December 17th, 2009 at 7:30 pm.

I will be speaking at Many Rivers Books and Tea in Sebastopol. The topic? ....Forgiveness.
Yes - again.
I don't think we can ever speak enough about it. More - in The Food for Thought below.

Many Rivers Books & Tea
130 S. Main Street, Suite 101
Sebastopol, CA 95472
(707) 829-8871
www.manyriversbooks.com
December 17th, 2009 at 7:30 pm.

Today's Food for Thought.

Both in my life and in my work, I come across so many misconceptions around forgiveness.

Think about the famous line from the book and the movie
"Love Story." "Love means never having to say you are sorry."

I can't even begin to imagine what it means.... How many times have I heard it quoted?!

Why? Because is sounds romantic? Does it?

First of all - it is simply not true.
Loving means (among other things) being responsible to the person you love, and so - if indeed you did something you regret, something hurtful and wrong, you need to feel it and then - to say you are sorry - genuinely. It is the least you can do.

Saying you are sorry and - being forgiven, however, are two very different things.

As is - saying you are sorry and - forgiving yourself for what you did.

To forgive yourself - you have to know what you are forgiving. In other words, feel remorse for your actions. Otherwise, what is there to forgive if you don't really regret it?

If all you are doing is - saying the words, you will never feel forgiven. Even if the other person forgives you.

And yet - feeling remorse remains one of the hardest things to feel.

Self-hate is easy. Self- recrimination? No problem. Self-judgment - easy again. You've done it all your life.

But remorse?

To let yourself really feel the sadness of having done something you cannot undo? Quite another story, isn't it? And there is no circumventing it. No short-cuts way to get to the other side.

"But, Auriela, why should I even bother, if it is so hard?"

Where to begin to answer that?

Let's look at another line that is thrown about so much these days: "Just love yourself." Or: "I am just going to love myself."
Meaning - if you want to have love work in your life, you must learn to love yourself.

Which is correct. This IS the truth. Except, as many have discovered, it's easier said than done.

Because unless you are able to forgive yourself for the things you've pushed under the rug and pretended to have forgotten - loving yourself simply won't happen.

Life is about growth, whether we like it or not. That's why we have no short-cuts to avoid feeling remorse.

Just the other day a friend shared with me something that may or may not surprise you. A couple of months ago she ended a relationship with a man after she had discovered a rather ugly betrayal. (An oxymoron, I know.)

She has been working with healing the pain and regaining herself and she is making beautiful progress. She is ready to look at forgiving herself and forgiving him for what had happened between them, so she can begin to let go and to allow deeper healing.

But her friends are up in arms. "Forgive him???!!! Are you crazy? You should never ever forgive that bastard!..."

We spent a good hour or more on the phone today just talking about it.

The "Crabs in the box" phenomenon, yet again. Remember that one?

I wrote about it here not that long ago. If you haven't read it, you can find it in my blog, just go back to earlier posts. It's worth it.

Her friends' reaction is a good illustration of the lack of understanding around forgiveness. That's why I am calling my talk : The controversy of forgiveness.

Here is something I want you to think about - to ask yourself and to answer.

Take the time, please. Don't rush even if the answers appear obvious, and especially if they are not. The better and deeper you can explain your answers to yourself the clearer you are going to be.

-Why forgive?
-Who deserves forgiveness, and when do they deserve it?
-Which (if any) conditions must be met before we can forgive?
-Do only people who have met the conditions deserve forgiveness?
-Is forgiveness for the victim or for the perpetrator?
-Is there a crime that is "unforgivable"?
-How do you forgive yourself when you don't believe you deserve forgiveness?
-Why is remorse often the hardest thing to feel?
-Is forgiveness an act of will? A choice? Or is it Divine Grace?

And finally: Why no change is possible without forgiveness happening first?

The last question is my invitation to think and to imagine:
What life would you be living if your past didn't hold you back?

Not sure abut the answers?

I have written about this so much in The Power of the Possible. It is on pp. 96-98, 98-101, it is in the chapter
To Stay or To Leave, Forgiving the Unforgivable - pretty much through the entire chapter, especially from pp.115 -126, and you haven't read this chapter before, read the whole thing, you will do yourself a disservice by reading just these pages.
Also on p. 231 and on, in the chapter When Love Is Not Enough, where I explain remorse and why it is one of the hardest things to feel.

Read these passages, even if you have read them already. Your will read them with different eyes this time because you have grown and you have changed and your ability to understand has deepened.

It is always like that, with any book. That's why we experience them differently at different times. It is not the book that changes with time, but you.

* * *

On another subject: So many of you responded to my request in the last letter and sent me your lists of qualities you are grateful for in yourselves! THANK YOU! You have inspired me so much! An I know - you have inspired yourselves!!!

If space permits, I will share some of your responses in the next letter.

All for now.

Hope to see some of you on Sunday in New York!
And of course, - here in Marin, tomorrow night.


Much love to you, always.

Remember: never ever give up hope!
Auriela.
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A Story That Is Happening Right Now To Someone I Know

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Hello, dear friends,

Today I will start with a story. It is happening right now to someone I know and love.

A friend of mine who has been able to move past the anger she felt at her lover and at the way their relationship ended is beginning to feel good again.

No longer is she waking up hating the man's guts, no longer is she consumed by feelings of revenge...no longer are the thoughts of the past and how badly she has been treated consuming her every waking moment.

Instead, she is suddenly happy. Free again, excited about her life. She is even thinking of changing her job, as she sees new opportunities coming her way.

Read more below, after the Event Information:

School of Hope and Inspiration

Tuesday, October 13th
Gathering: 6:30PM -7PM
Class: 7PM - 9:30PM

Classes are held in Southern Marin
Please, be on time, we start promptly at 7pm
RSVP for address and directions.
email: Auriela@AurielaMcCarthy.com

* * *
The School of Hope and Inspiration is deeply steeped in the understanding of the Mystery of Being, while at the same being deeply grounded in the common sense.
This unusual combination makes it unique and different among the various Self-Development programs.

The Tuesday night class continues, but it is closed to new participants.

Back to my story which is this week's Food for Thought.

My friend is thrilled with how she is feeling. It's been a very long time since she felt so happy. But when she shares her feelings with her fiends, she comes upon a strange reaction.

They don't believe her.
They think she is in denial and that she needs to go back and tell them how badly she feels.
"You need to vent," they tell her. "Go ahead, keep venting, don't hold back, we are here for you."

Venting. Such a charming word. A euphemism for blaming and for staying in righteous anger.

They all met for lunch the other day and this is where that conversation took place.
My friend left feeling frustrated and lost. And angry at her girlfriends, women she had know all her life.

She doesn't want to see them anymore, she is also torn...

Why am I telling you this?

Because what I have just described is not uncommon.
I have written about this in the past, but I feel it's time to talk about it some more:
"The crabs in the bucket" phenomenon.

Have you ever seen people gathering crabs on the beach? Do you know that they never put a lid on the bucket where they keep their crabs?

They don't have to.

Because as soon as the second crab is inside the bucket, one of the crabs will make sure the other one stays put by pulling it down every time it tries to get out!

Now imagine there are more than just two crabs at the bottom of this bucket. Say, now there are 5 or 10...or perhaps a whole bunch of them crawling around, bumping into each other, unable to get out.

Is it a happy place? Is this where they want to stay?
Well, you may say, they have company, they are no longer alone, they belong, they can make friends, share their stories...

Yes they can.
And they can whine and complain about how they hate people who put them there, how they hate being in the box, how unfair life is to crabs.
And guess what? They will always find a sympathetic ear as long as they are in that bucket.

And as they cry and complain, they distract themselves from what comes next: a slow and painful death.
Because they are all on the way to being cooked, aren't they?
Or sold and then separated and then - cooked?

Denial is a powerful mechanism. Even crabs are using it. Denying the fact that they have lost their freedom as soon as they found themselves in that bucket.

And now imagine that one of these crabs decides: enough! I can't breath in this crowded place. There is not enough light and not enough space for me to move. I will get out of here! I want my freedom back.

What do you think is going to happen as this crab begins to crawl up, muttering on its way: "Sorry guys, I love you, but...I no longer fit here."
Immediately, the remaining crabs will move together to pull it back down! "Not so fast! Who do you think you are? We are not good for you anymore?!"

The crab metaphor is obvious.

If you've made friends with people who like to bitch about everything and everyone, if you have joined their club and have been "happily bitching along" about how life is unfair, the boss is a jerk, how you can't trust men, or women, or anyone for that matter...what happens when you suddenly wake up?

Suddenly, you are not fun anymore.
Not only are your "friends" not interested, they mock you, they don't want to listen, they encourage you to go back to the way you were.

Why?

Because you no longer fit with them. And they will try to do everything they can to bring you down to be your old miserable self again.
Just like crabs in the bucket do. Miserable, but together.

But let us give these friends the benefit of the doubt.
Because often times, they are not bad or malicious people. They are simply people in pain. They have not yet found the way out of that prison, and they are scared of losing you.

Also, your courage to change and to lift up to a higher resonance is a reminder of what they won't deal in themselves. And so - they pull you down.

This is what is happening to my friend.
And now she has 2 choices:

Leave the friends she no longer fits with and step into the scary, unknown territory of a new life

or - go back and keep the so-called friends and continue as she was.

The former takes courage, and trusting yourself.
The latter is simpler. It does not require much, except you - giving up on yourself.

But Auriela, isn't it so cold? So unfeeling? How can you suggest that she leave her friends? They might have been there for her all her life?

My answer is this.
If they are really good friends, they will change their tune and support her in her growth. And if they won't, perhaps it is time to leave them behind.

Is it cold and unfeeling? Hardly.
There will be sadness, there will be grieving and there will be loss... . And she will feel what comes for her - and she will let it go.

She may be alone for a while. There are no guarantees in life.

Keeping these old friends that keep pulling her down comes with a price. Too high a price, in my opinion.
That price is self-abandonment.

Is it worth paying?
You tell me.

Here is the quote I love:

"There are always risks in freedom. The only risk in bondage is breaking free." Lazaris.

Breaking free can be really scary.

There are no guarantees you will ever make new friends, that your new life will work, that you will get what you wanted...
It is much safer in the bucket. "It may be Auschwitz, but it's home."

Would anyone want to leave security for the dangerous, unknown terrain of freedom?

Just look around you. Think of the people you admire most. Every one of them has done it. And every one of them has been afraid at times. Sometimes - more than other times. Still they acted!
They went ahead even when they didn't have all the answers. And they have built the lives they dreamed about, blazing their trial for the rest of us.

They forged their own course and in the process - found themselves.

And the moral?

You are not here to get everyone's approval, nor are you here to be liked by everyone.

What are you here for?
The answer is yours to find.

I will give you a hint: You are here to find happiness, to create it for yourself, consciously. You are here to learn how to have fun! And to live the most amazing and joyous life..

A life-long journey. The most unselfish and loving thing you can do.
How come? Think about it.
This is this week's food for thought.


All for now.

See some of you on Tuesday night!

Much love to you, always.
And remember: NEVER EVER give up Hope!

Auriela.

P.S. Please, follow your intuition and if it feels right,
forward this to your friends or your family members.

P.P.S. If you don't live in the San Francisco Bay Area, stay with us through these emails and keep sending me your questions.
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If you want to be happy – be around those who already are.

Are you familiar with the “crabs in the box” phenomenon?

Don’t know what I am talking about? Here it is.

If you’ve ever watched people looking for crabs on the beach, you might have noticed that they never have a lid on the box into which they put the crabs they find. They don’t need to. Once the second crab gets put into the box, there is no way either one of them can escape. Because as soon as one crab starts climbing out, the remaining crab will pull it down.

No matter how many crabs are eventually sharing the same box, each one of them is now destined to stay put: the other crabs simply won’t let it crawl out.

Now if only people would observe the crabs and make the obvious conclusions!
What’s happening to the crabs captured in the box? They are now stuck there, aren’t they?
Is it a happy place? Is this where they want to stay?
Well, you may say, they have company, they are no longer alone, they belong, they can make friends, share their stories...

Yes they can. And they can whine about how they hate being in the box, for example, and always find a sympathetic ear…
And they can try to forget about what the natural outcome of being in that box is: They are all on the way to being cooked, aren’t they? Or sold and then be separated and then - cooked?
They have already lost their freedom as soon as they found themselves in that box.

The crab metaphor is obvious.

If you’ve been hanging out with people who like to bitch about everything and everyone, have joined their club and have been “happily bitching along” about how your life sucks, the government is rotten, life is unfair, the boss is a jerk…what happens if you suddenly wake up one day?

Let’s say you realize: that’s enough! I am going to do something about my life, I am going to stop this crazy complaining, feeling like a victim, blaming others for my failures…I will take action, do something to get out of this!
Excited and filled with enthusiasm you go to your friends and share your newly found enthusiasm…

What happens then? You are suddenly not fun anymore, are you? Not only are your “friends” not interested, they ridicule you, mock you, don’t want to listen…You no longer fit the company do you? And they will do everything they can to bring you down to be your old miserable self again. Just like crabs in the box do. Miserable, but together.

And now you have 2 choices: (Thank God, you are a human, not a crab.) You can leave your friends and step into the scary, unknown territory of a different life, or you can go back and keep the so-called friends and continue as you were.
The former needs courage, the latter is simpler, it does not require much, except giving up on yourself and on any hope to have a better life.

Which one will it be?

Where will you be 5 years from now having made the courageous choice to get out of the box and then – having acted upon it?

And where will you still be if you have not?

Here is the quote I love:

“There are always risks in freedom. The only risk in bondage is breaking free.” Lazaris.

While you were sitting in the box, you have already lost your freedom without even realizing it. You’ve voluntarily traded your freedom for the “security” of belonging to a group, no longer being alone…You may be miserable, you may hate yourself and your life, but – you have company. And all of you are “happily” miserable together.

One crucial thing to remember: we must always re-evaluate our freedom.

What looked like a good choice, and felt like freedom yesterday, might have become prison today. A teenager picking up drugs, rebelling against adults and feeling a rush of freedom becomes enslaved by the addiction and is anything but free. And if he or she joins a gang, the exhilaration of belonging is at first overwhelming. Getting out of the gang in the future is another matter all together, isn’t it? Not that easy, and not that simple.

But let’s say you have really decided to break free from that box, leave the crabs that you’ve made friends with and walk away…
Let’s say you are not a crab, but a person, and they can’t hold you back against your will.

How strong is your will? Because breaking free can be really scary.

There are no guarantees you will ever make new friends, that your new life will work, that you will get what you wanted…
It is much safer in the box. “It may be Auschwitz, but it’s home.”

So who would want to leave this security for the dangerous, unknown terrain of freedom?

Just look around you. Think of the people you admire most. Every one of them has done it. And every one of them has been afraid at times. Some times – more than other times. Still they acted! It’s taking action versus talking about it and doing nothing that makes the difference.

And you will begin to feel happy. Not all the time. Not a 100%. But you will start liking yourself more, and you will inspire others to break out of their own boxes.
That’s why daring to be happy is the least selfish and the most loving thing you can do.
Those who have created happiness and have become an inspiration to so many are those who dared to be free.

Which one are you?