The Question is Often More Important than the Answer

.
And now my thoughts on the subject of the last 2 letters:

As I always say, the question is often more important than the answer.

I have posed to you two questions.
"Sex...doesn't she owe it to me?"
and
"At what point it is OK to say no to your lover?"

Many of you were outraged by these questions. Some were puzzled, some remained "undecided..."

As one of you wrote to me: "Auriela, surely these are trick questions..."

Sadly, they weren't.
The questions came from real people. They came from people in pain.

Yet, in order to find the answers, the right questions had to be asked first.

So here is this week's food for thought.

Let's take it beyond sex.

Let's start with the second question posed: When is it OK to say no to your lover?
Here is the answer: Always.

If it is not OK to say no to a request, then it is not really a request at all, is it?
It is an expectation. It is a question with a built-in obligation to say yes.

When this is what takes place between two people, let's not pretend that it is something else.
The question would not even arise had the relationship been a healthy one.

To this point, read on.

Let's look at owing things to each other.

In my opinion, the very concept of "owing" something to another has no place in love or in friendship.
In business, perhaps. In love - no.

Owing means having an obligation.
It usually presupposes a debt of some kind.

Think about the people in your life that you love. Friends or your loved ones.
Whatever you do for them, you do it because you want to, don't you?
You love these people, you care about them, it is only natural that you want to be there for them, right?

Now how would you feel if they were to start pressuring you into doing things for them?
Would you still want to do them? Will you still have the same enthusiasm and desire? Certainly not.
You were doing them gladly, now - they expect it, now - you are obliged to do them.

Suddenly- there is a creepy feeling inside you chest...what is it?
Resentment.

You are being made to give what you were giving freely and that doesn't feel good.

As soon as the expectation of something being owed enters your relationship, you step onto a very dangerous ground.
And if you don't catch this soon, you are well on the way of losing what you once had with each other.

When you start doing anything in your relationship because you feel obliged to do it, it's time to take a good look at the relationship itself.

It's the time to ask the right questions:

-Why am I with this person?
and
-Do I still want to be there?

If the relationship is healthy, you will want to be there for each other 100% in every way, and in every area.
Why would it be different when it comes to sex?

And if your sexual needs differ, together you find a way to work with this and to resolve it. It is that simple.

If you don't, it is usually because there are other things that are already seriously wrong between you, things you have been avoiding dealing with.


Often, it happens like this:

You've had too many fights where nothing had been resolved, or - if you are not a fighting kind, too many hostile withdrawals and silences.
All of this led to resentments.

And when resentments entered your relationship they weighted it down. Took the spark out of it.
All the unexpressed, unaddressed, undealt with angers, hurts, fears, disappointments...clouded the energy between the two of you and made it murky.

And with resentments came the walls.

The invisible walls one or both of you had put up, so as not to deal with the pain.
And the longer this went on, the harder it seemed to undo it and the more it began to feel like "too much work."

So how much fun would it be to have sex under the circumstances?

Not that much. Easier to simply - forget about it.

But sex is a physical need, clearly. For many people, a very strong physical need.
Sexual energy, the primal energy, so powerful it creates life...why would you voluntarily say no to it?

Often because it is easier to just "settle." Often because you feel that "your partner is shutting you out."
Which in itself is rage-producing...And the relationship spirals down, and after a while - you tell yourself "we are good friends and that's enough" ( and even believe it)
or - the two of you turn into room mates, living parallel lives...
Sex? What sex?

Beware of your resentments.

"Resentment is the poison that kills." I wrote this once, in The Power of the Possible. Resentments are like tiny seeds of hostility swallowed whole.
And as they sink deep inside you - inside your body and inside your heart, they begin their destructive work, undoing the love, undoing the closeness...and suddenly you are polite with each other, instead of real. Polite, so as not to upset the fragile and false "peace."

And the distance between you grows. And making love is suddenly really "too much work," not at all what it once was. Imagine what you have to wade through to even begin?
"Don't touch me" becomes the message, whether it is spoken out loud or not.
Leading to more anger...leading to more resentment...

Add to this mix your sexual dissatisfaction and you have a real potent recipe for disaster.

At times, you find yourself wanting to have sex regardless of the state of your relationship, but your partner does not.
In your anger, and not knowing how to deal with this, you begin to demand it.
Acting as if it's owed to you!

But the more you push, the more you meet with resistance.
The more resistance comes your way, the angrier and more frustrated you get.

And it goes from bad to worse real fast.

In a situation like this - having or not having sex with each other is the least of your problems.
Your entire relationship is at stake.

Unattended, this becomes the status quo.

And that's how it happens that such an enormous number of married couples end up not making love to each other.

Not a happy picture. Sadly, it is a very common one.
If this is yours, then start with the right questions. The questions will point the way.

There is light at the end of this tunnel. There truly is. It starts - like everything - with the choice.
The choice to make yourself matter. To make your life matter. To make being happy - matter!
And with the choice - come the possibilities. The new road opens - and you take.
It is never too late! And when the student is ready - even the stones will speak.
The right book appears, the right class, the right seminar, the right teacher....

And if working with me feels right for you - then please, write to me, get in touch.

In the fall, I will be starting a new course on Making Love Work in Your Life.
On line, and also in person, here in the Bay Area.
Watch this newsletter for details or write to me.

All for now.

With love and hope,

Auriela.